Sorry, not sorry

A batch of limericks for you! This batch came out mostly “clean”, which is odd.

Spicy Gal
A girl I dated used spice,
So much it wasn't so nice.
Hot peppers on fruit,
Some eyes of a newt.
Much safer just chewing ice....

Argh!
I woke up in limerick mode,
Brain not obeying as told.
I wrote dozens in bed,
Kept them all in my head
Time to reboot this old code!

Nantucket
There was a lad from Nantucket,
Barfed up his lunch in a bucket.
His wife angered at that,
and she swung a ball bat.
Yet somehow he managed to duck it!

Christina
Dreamed I dated Ms Aguilera
who arrived with the goddess Hera.
Asked both for a dance,
but there was no chance!
For that burn there's no aloe vera.

Randal
The young man there is Randal.
He pleases himself with a candle.
The end wasn't lit,
Cuz it looked like a tit,
And he keeps it close to his dandle.

Cat
My cat is a limp ragamuffin,
Who excels at being a glutton.
She's cute when she smiles,
she spins all my dials.
Don't push her nose like a button!

CFO
Hello, and welcome to Schartz
Where we take a look at your charts
Your lines tend to red,
a knock from the Fed?
Is your CFO really Paul Blartz?

Bees
A young beagle named MacFlea
was stung on his balls by a bee.
His owner made money
'cuz he oozed pure honey,
when he went outside to go pee.

Ghost
I was trying to see the ghost
presented by a TV host.
I had thot it was glare,
but the face was still there.
The host with the "ghost" was toast!

Condo birds
I condo, don't mow the lawn
birds here don't sing any song.
They squawk and they caw
and ignore every law.
Magpies make chaos, spot on!

Nice
I've played the cards once or twice,
and thrown bad rolls of the dice.
Devoid of ways or means,
can't buy more than beans.
Now the worst is over, pretty nice.

Atomic Blonde
Minding his business with Scotch,
an old flame kicked in his crotch.
He folded like an old chair,
she left like he wasn't there.
On her heels, she carved a new notch!

Kentucky
Road trip! Let's do Kentucky!
Stopped for fried chicken - yucky.
They tried not to barf,
but it went in a scarf,
all told the trip was not lucky.

Waitress
A beautiful lass was a waiter.
Thot I might try to date her.
But she had a big kink,
as I washed at the sink
she dressed like a slinky Darth Vader!

Snek
Roughhoused a snake in Tangiers,
made friends and had a few beers.
Its teeth were so pearly
and its tail was so curly
Bad joke about not having ears…

Viking
Villager Ivar, a Viking,
found mead quite to his liking.
He stayed in his bed,
he had a sore head,
hungover, not going hiking.

Sally
Frankenstein’s sister was Sally.
She bet on the cars at the rally.
Put a hundred on red,
but the driver was dead.
She was the laugh of the valley!

Cats
Life improves with cats, tis said.
But this kitty won't come abed.
A scratch and a hiss,
Arched back with no kiss;
Except if I rub on her head.

If you enjoyed this, would you please buy me a coffee? Thank you!