I’ve got a little black book with my poems in
Got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb in
When I’m a good dog, they sometimes throw me a bone in (Pink Floyd, “Nobody Home”, 1979)
I woke up on a Tuesday morning in August 2023, in Limerick mode. While still groggy I had a rhyme circling round my brain when somebody threw the main switch in there and I must have written about 20 limericks or so before I put a foot on the floor. I wasn’t going to get back to sleep anyway so I woke up and started jotting some of them down. It seems like I have a built-in rhyming dictionary that switches on when I’m not looking.
Usually when I write things down they leave my head and I’m back at peace, but not this time. So to spread the misery, I’ll be recording these limericks and possibly some other rhymes and posting on Twitter (or X or whatever the hell we call it now) and Threads. On either platform I’m @tjpontz.
I’ve decided to also put them here, and release them under Creative Commons [Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike license or “BY-NC-SA”] to this author, if you choose to also spread the misery.
I’ve not been able to work for three months due to a back surgery, and searching for a new job, so tips are much appreciated!
WARNING! There is neither a warranty or a guarantee – enter at your own risk. #NSFW?
Spicy Gal
A girl I dated used spice,
So much it wasn’t so nice.
Hot peppers on fruit,
Some eyes of a newt.
Much safer just chewing ice….
Argh!
I woke up in limerick mode,
Brain not obeying as told.
I wrote dozens in bed,
Kept them all in my head
I gotta reboot this old code!
Strike!
I support the SAG-AFTRA strike
and the WGA and the like.
So I’m arting right here
without even one beer.
Too tired to go take a hike.
Nantucket
There was a lad from Nantucket,
Barfed up his lunch in a bucket.
His wife angered at that,
and she swung a ball bat.
Yet somehow he managed to duck it!
Christina
Dreamed I dated Ms Aguilera
who arrived with the goddess Hera.
I asked for a dance,
but there was no chance!
For that burn there’s no aloe vera.
Randal
The young man there is Randal.
He pleases himself with a candle.
The end wasn’t lit,
Cuz it looked like a tit,
And he keeps it close to his dandle.
Cat
My cat is a limp ragamuffin,
Who excels at being a glutton!
She’s cute when she smiles,
she spins all my dials.
Don’t push her nose like a button.
CFO
Hello, and welcome to Schartz
Where we take a look at your charts
Your lines tend to red,
a knock from the Fed?
Is your CFO really Paul Blartz?
Bees
A young beagle named MacFlea
was stung on his balls by a bee.
His owner made money
‘cuz he oozed pure honey,
when he went outside to go pee.
Ghost
I was trying to see the ghost
presented by a TV host.
I had thot it was glare,
but the face was still there.
The host with the “ghost” was toast!
Condo birds
I condo, don’t mow the lawn
birds here don’t sing any song.
They squawk and they caw
and ignore every law.
Magpies make chaos, spot on!
Nice
I’ve played the cards once or twice,
and thrown bad rolls of the dice.
Devoid of ways or means,
can’t buy more than beans.
Now the worst is over, pretty nice.
Atomic Blonde
Minding his business with a scotch,
an old flame kicked in his crotch.
He folded like an old chair,
she left like he wasn’t there.
On her heels, she carved a new notch!
Kentucky
Road trip! Let’s do Kentucky!
Stopped for fried chicken – yucky.
They tried not to barf,
but it went in a scarf,
all told the trip was not lucky.
Waitress
A beautiful lass was a waiter.
Thot I might try to date her.
But she had a big kink,
as I washed at the sink
she dressed like a slinky Darth Vader!
Snek
Roughhoused a snake in Tangiers,
made friends and had a few beers.
Its teeth were so pearly
and its tail was so curly
Bad joke about not having ears…
Viking
Villager Ivar, a Viking,
found mead quite to his liking.
He stayed in his bed,
he had a sore head,
hungover, not going hiking.
Sally
Frankenstein’s sister was Sally.
She bet on the cars at the rally.
Put a hundred on red,
but the driver was dead.
She was the laugh of the valley!
T J Pontz 